Something I’d like to know.
I know it sounds terribly morbid but I’d like to know the year I am going to die. Douglas Coupland has a good comment about this (in his fantastic novel, Life After God) in which he talks about how a person telling fortunes gains customers simply by putting up a sign that reads, “I promise I won’t tell you you’re going to die.” I think most people would be reassured by this because they fear death like kids fear getting their wisdom teeth pulled. But, for me, somehow it’s different.
I know I’m going to die. It’s inevitable. Nothing lives forever (just think of all of the plants I’ve killed) and yet I’d like to know how long I have left. See, part of it is that I tend to be a procrastinator which means that I leave work I have to do until the very last moment until I realize there is absolutely no time left and I’d better get going. It’s at this time that I really get things done even if it means I have to miss sleep. You know what this means, don’t you? It means I could be putting off doing something truly great with my life until some doctor says, “I’m very sorry to tell you this miss, but you have terminal Cancer and only three months to live.” But by that time, what if three months isn’t long enough? And what if I don’t get a warning at all? If you think about it, even though there are some that prefer the quick and painless route, getting a warning is a weird sort of luxury. Why? It allows you to do precicely whatever you’ve been meaning to do for your entire lifetime.
I used to really feel that I should try to live each day as if it were my very last but if that were true, I wouldn’t go to work on some days and I certainly wouldn’t work out. To prevent myself from becoming an unemployed sloth, I think I forget about my “Make every single moment count!” mantra and get caught up in the day to day life stuff that sometimes ends up sucking up all of my energy.
See, lately I have been thinking that there’s a bigger purpose or meaning to all of this and my life. It’s probably partly because I was raised with this idea that God has a plan for everyone. So I’m a little concerned I’m going to miss the memo or run out of time. I’d like to plan better. Also, I thought about this Sat. night when I was feeling really seriously depressed thinking about how I’m always reading something or listening to music, seeing a band, watching a film but it doesn’t seem to make me a better person or give my life overall a huge sense of purpose (unless you count being obsessed with music, art, and literature a sense of purpose) besides filling in more time before I die. And I thought: maybe I am having a mid-life crisis. Seriously. At 26, it would be entirely possible. I mean, technically anyone at any age can be having a mid life crisis because none of us know when we are going to die. So perhaps, I’ll join the choir invisible at 52. I guess I’d just like to know about it, if that’s the case.
(now playing:Mi and L’au: s/t)
November 14th, 2005 at 11:27 pm
Hey Kirstie! Cinchel sent me a post with links in it to his new blog and I found yours! I have a really silly blog in LJ. I have been thinking about this question a lot too, sometimes I think the reason I want to do so many things and yet manage to feel so miserable given my current frustrating circumstances that my soul must know something my brain doesn’t. I think I’m going to die of cancer or a car accident…maybe both. Anyway, until then, are you coming to Buffalo over the holidays? I’ll be home for almost a week over xmas and five days over Thanksgiving. I would love to see you and Cinchel. Please keep in touch via blog. Talk to you soon, Love Jean
November 15th, 2005 at 10:00 pm
We’re going back to Rochester for the holidays. You know, I sort of fear not knowing vs. knowing something horrible will happen as far as dying. Oh btw, you might like Jens Lekman-who I blogged about on here. He’s Swedish and of the sensitive male persuasion. I’d be soooo in love with him if I wasn’t already married to Cinchel
Just imagine picking lingonberries all day with this light guitar strumming in the background in Sweden. sigh
November 17th, 2005 at 1:57 am
There are so many things I want to do. For me, what is being done today is sort of a down payment for something that can occur in the future, but there are days that I wonder if its a slow pace that could be hurried, yet to me the urgency is waning, since I’m going to be 36 soon.
Theres still goals I have, and still entertain as possibilities, so its the looking forward that is just as much a reward.
But this is your own way, so I don’t want to seem I’m imposing anything. You’re a talented person, and you’ve accomplished so many things already,
Jake
November 17th, 2005 at 8:27 pm
hey Jake…thanks but you know I am the sort of person that always seems to end up dwelling on the things I haven’t done and my failures and shortcomings as a person instead of sucesses. I’m not very confident and often see only my flaws. I have been painting though-well at least some this weekend-you?
November 20th, 2005 at 4:01 am
I can understand shortcomings and flaws, sometimes they’re just points of departure though ;).
I’ve spent the whole weekend at the art building, and will hopefully do some research for my final drawing project on Sunday. My painting is turning out better and has some surprises in it, photos may come later in December.
Are you headed home for Thanksgiving?
November 20th, 2005 at 11:43 am
I’m glad you are making progress with the painting. I am not heading home for Thanksgiving actually-my parents are coming here instead so I have been cleaning, shopping, looking at recipes, etc. And you?
November 20th, 2005 at 5:18 pm
I’m going to stay here, and work on our final project- making copies of an older drawing (by someone else), and a contemporary one.
I’m just starting to feel like my drawing is really getting better, so the painting is too. Maybe its the drawing class that is helping, anyway its still alot of work, more than my past classes, I don’t see movies on the weekends anymore, and all my time is devoted to either work, sleep, or the art building. But I can’t wait for vacation days, I can spend 12-14 hour days doing what I’d rather do, draw and paint :).
Anyway, what painting are you working on? (Leonardo worked for years on the Mona Lisa, so we can both do the same ;)). I really like your entry about waiting, it is beautiful.