Kirstiecat | Blog

I want to say something. Cinchel puts up with alot. And my friends in Chicago know this, especially the ones I myself spend a great deal of time with. (My parents have a good idea about this as well) Back home, everyone loved him, even someone who called him a thief at our wedding (kind of a joke but a bitter one) adored him. He’s just great. There’s no hating him. There’s no even being mad at him at all. You just can’t do it. He has the sweetest temperment ever. He’s never raised his voice once in eight years (two years dating, 6 years marriage), he listens endlessly, bought me an Ice-Bat doll to cheer me up (It’s an ulgy doll that I swear is just the greatest thing ever. <3, holds me when I cry, endures my endless repetition of songs, understands art films, has good taste in music…I could go on and on. How did a girl like me end up getting so lucky?

I want to say that when you are married to someone or just spend a great deal of time with someone in a relationship, sometimes you forget what they even look like. You just don’t look at that person every day. I mean, you look but it doesn’t really register. It’s more the essence of that person and the feelings you have. You’d notice things like a bruise or a cut or if your loved one dyed his/her hair neon green and all that but you just don’t take the person in appearance wise.

I realized today that I haven’t really looked at Cinchel for months. Seriously. I mean, just looking at him. Most of the time, I’m so lost in my own thoughts repeating conversations or imagining talking to dead people like the conversations I would have with people in my afterlife, especially dead artists. And that’s really depressing. I shouldn’t be looking forward to my after life. I should be in this moment.

I have this problem, you see, of being in the moment of something. Most of the time, I actually find myself enjoying looking forward to something more than actually experiencing it. When it’s time for the actual moment to occur, I can’t hang on to it. I can’t let go of my own thoughts. Everything I do has a narration (my own voice talking about what I am doing and what I am thinking) It’s so bizarre but it makes me feel like I’m just a character in a book all of the time. I don’t feel real but at the same time I feel so much acuteness of life, so much pain.

Why do I feel pain? If I didn’t have Cinchel, I really don’t know sometimes what I would do. Everything was so much worse when I was alone, which is probably why I was married just a month after turning twenty. Maybe I’m just not a very strong and independent person when I’m alone. I’ve also got to stop dwelling on the things that make me depressed I have no control over.

And, you know, sometimes people bring out your absolute best. They really do. Find these people and stick with them. I think I would be happier if Cinchel didn’t have to get up at 5 and get home at 6:30. That’s hard but it’s the commute and it isn’t his fault.

Anyhow, I’ve got to stop rerunning conversations and things like that in my head. And I have to stop thinking about Milan Kundera’s Immortality because it just depresses me. I have to start appreciating moments-perhaps I need to do yoga. I even bought a yoga mat (This doesn’t mean I’m going to start listening to new age crap music, don’t worry) But I need to stretch out and convert that negative energy into positive kinetic energy for my limbs. I have to start learning to live in a moment because I’m not 80 years old looking back. And maybe this isn’t real life. Maybe this is the afterlife and we’ve all been tricked and have to find our way into something more fulfilling this second or third time. (This would explain why we’re all incredibly flawed) but whatever we want to call it, there are some moments here worth having and sharing. I’m very lucky to have someone that wants to share them with me. I have to remember this even when everything seems so dark.

Here’s some pictures of Cinchel that I took today. Gosh, I’m just going to be smitten from here on out. No more depressed Kirstie anymore. Just me being smitten. I know I have said I’m going to be positive and not depressed before. But maybe this time it will last a little longer than five minutes.

This is me with ice-bat-a pic Cinchel just took. Buckley is right next to me acting really funny. Seriously, when he doesn’t yawn he’s rather cute…do not be alarmed!

This is what the little tag for Ice-Bat says: “Ice-Bat lives in an ice cave inside and icebox. Anything he touches turns to ice…yet he warms your heart! Ice bat is lookin’ to chill with you. He wants to sit next to your computer (which is also frozen) and hang out. Ice bat wants to go with you. Why? He thinks you are cool. I ce bat wants to hang around with you…and he would like to hang upside down too if you have the space.”

This is the moment I want to live in from here on out. It happened in March and I want it to happen all of the time. I have to learn to just live and stop the narration and stop the thoughts. Just to experience it. I have to start living.

This entry was posted on Monday, August 8th, 2005 at 3:13 am and is filed under art, rambles. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.